Oftentimes, we get stuck. We find some forward momentum and work towards our goals but are left feeling like what we're doing is not enough or we feel things have gotten monotonous or we’re overwhelmed! Since the early days of isolation, the COVID pandemic has brought me time to consider my self care in these moments and if I am truly practicing what I preach. I haven’t always done something with that self awareness but hey, it is the first step to making changes! In other parts of my life I have really been able to (sort of) build consistency and (definitely) found a deep connection to the way I care for my mental health.
A crucial part of therapy is finding ways to care for our unique needs and reconnecting with those needs in meaningful ways. Taking good self care can be very difficult especially with the chaos going on in the world. Add to that if you are suffering with the debilitating symptoms of trauma, anxiety, depression or ADHD. In the following section I suggest five questions you can use to self-evaluate when feeling “stuck”. I hope you can take a look at them and find some ideas on how you can get back to feeling some positive momentum.
Let’s Normalize the struggle!
First of all, it is important to emphasize that feeling this way is NORMAL! You might feel lost, confused, bored, or too pressured for time to do this exercise in the first place. That is all normal and very much something that a lot of people feel at this very moment. We are human and it is OK to feel this way.
Now, without further ado, here are the five questions that you can ask yourself when you are feeling stuck.
1. Is what I am doing now working?
2. Is it taking me closer or further from my goals?
3. Is it reducing or increasing my distress/ is it helping at the cost of something else?
4. Is it reasonable to try something different?
5. Am I ready to try something else?
Is what I am doing now working?
If your answer is yes….then congratulations! You are making progress towards your goals. This might be a good time to practice some grounding, gratitude and acceptance of the time that is required
to see our goals through.
If the answer is anything but yes, this question might seem deceptively simple, but can be triggering. It requires us to be honest with ourselves. It is not easy to reflect on the things that are not working for us. It can bring up feelings of “failing”, anger, loneliness, resentment, shame and guilt. Know that in doing this self reflection you are beginning the path towards moving PAST these feelings. If we can start to face them and try new things or ask for help, we won't stay stuck.
Signs that what you are doing is not working include feeling like you have repetitive fights, feeling defensive, victimized, or physically/ mentally depleted over and over again.
It must be said again, give yourself a pat on the back for getting curious about yourself and lets keep going!
Is it taking me closer or further from my goals?
Oftentimes we can lose sight of what our goals are with the hustle and bustle of the day or being in survival mode. Or maybe we’ve been in survival mode for so long, we’ve forgotten what our goals even are?? I will be writing a future blog on how to redefine goals in the future; but for now lets say you notice day after day go by and the goal you want for yourself keeps getting put on the back burner.
It’s normal for things to take time, or for other responsibilities to be prioritized (especially if you have people who depend on you like kids for example). Yet, at the end of the day we are responsible for moving the momentum of our lives forward. So lets do it with honesty and self compassion.
Is it reducing or increasing my distress/ is it helping at the cost of something else?
This is a slippery one. So if you are feeling lost and perhaps have been for some time it may be that numbing or avoidance have become a normal part of dealing with distress. Avoidance can come in the form of putting others' needs in front of your own, drinking or using substances/ other activities too much. While these forms of “coping” have their place in everyday life, they could be the reason you feel stuck. There can be huge costs to not prioritizing your goals or being vocal about what you want to do.
In relationships this can be putting other people's needs in front of your own. Its true when "they" say that it's easier to solve other people's problems than it is to solve your own. You may even feel a temporary "high" from just getting something done. However, substituting this for doing your own reflecting, doesn't work.
Is it reasonable to try something different?
Listen, not every one has the luxury to strive for our desires at every point in life. There can be periods where it may not be a good time to try something new. We have all been subject to the yo-yoing of public restrictions because of the pandemic, for example. Also, finances, having young kids, having to care for a sick family member, experiencing a loss, not having security or stability. There are many reasons that it may not be a good time to make big changes.
If the way things are now causes you more distress and it is
reasonable to try something different then that can be really exciting, scary, overwhelming! So lets talk about how to make it more manageable.
Are you ready to try something else?
You’ve made it to the last question, yay! This question is crucial because it helps us break cycles. If you come from a family who has never taken interest in your inner process, it can be a new experience.
Even as adults so much of our life is ruled by what we are supposed to be doing. Unless someone or something comes along and forces us to do something we might not have the tools to get started ourselves. You are beginning an exciting journey by asking yourself if
you are ready to make a change. You are inviting your being into the conversation of what you want for your life.
Respecting boundaries with yourself might be that you are NOT ready to make a change just yet. That is OK. The fact that you are curious about yourself and what your wants are is an important part of finding out what you ARE ready for.
If you are ready….. WOO HOO!! You found something worth doing! Please see my previous post on getting started doing tasks while coping with life/ the world/ mental health symptoms.